The Woodworkers Total Body Work-Out

May 23, 2008

Many people come to the world of woodworking interested in building things. It is a nice idea. Quaint even. Building things in today’s world. That’s funny. We buy things in today’s world. We buy things, we don’t build things. We use them once or twice and then we throw them away. Silly woodworkers.

Anyway, many woodworkers come to this hobby out of this cute desire to build things. They miss the point. The point is that woodworking is the New Total Body Work-Out. It’s like no other. Jake doesn’t have it, Tony doesn’t have it, Mr. Tae-bo doesn’t have it, Jane Fonda wouldn’t have had it. No one has it but us woodworkers. And it’s so simple. It takes only 5 days, 60 hours per week, of constant effort behind the bench doing your woodworking to get the kind of muscle tone and firmness you’ve always wanted. Just look at these simple exercises and tell me that they’re not the best, the easiest way ever to get the six pack that you deserve.

First we’ll start with our Total Body Warm-up: Bringing the Lumber Down into the Basement. How many times do you get to go up and down steps with a stack of heavy boards? Try it, it’s fun. Bang the door frame with the end of a long stick! Put a new hole in the sheet rock! This is fitness like you’ve never tried before. Stretch out those vocal cords! Learn how to bend a sheet of plywood around a door frame! Get your upper body warmed up and ready to work out by lifting sheets of particle board out of your truck. Don’t let one slip or watch out for your toes! This will really get you moving and keep you moving.

Next is the Total Body Ab Intense Work-Out: Removing a Splinter. Forgot your gloves again when you were unloading the lumber? It’s the right way to do things because now you’ll spend 15 minutes of ab tightening as you dig with a needle to get out that nasty long splinter from your finger nail. Nothing focuses the attention, grips the buttocks, or firms the tummy more than pulling out a splinter. This is what we in the fitness trade call an IFW. Burn more calories faster pulling out splinters!

On to the forearms thighs and glutes firming. It’s called Total Body Rubber Arms and Chest: Planing with a Dull Blade. Sure you sharpened back in ‘82 but that blade got dull again somehow. Use it to your advantage and plunk down that piece of hard rock maple on your bench top. It’s time to turn your glutes into rock hard buns. Set the iron just a hair too low and you’re ready to start sweating to the oldies! Just think of the aerobic work-out you’ll get pushing and pushing, harder and harder, to get that dull iron through the work. It’s like nothing else! Continue planing and you’ll start to see results in no time. The blisters you get on your hands are just part of the fun. Your elbows and shoulder joints will ache with the high intensity of this work-out! Keep your wood at a really high level on the bench for that upper body surge or put it low on sawhorses to make your legs feel like rubber too.

Are we having the fun we thought we would? Then let’s keep going because I think you’re gonna like what’s coming next. It’s called the Total Body Isometrics: The Joinery Way. Sure you could buy rubber bands or fancy springy things to get your isometrics in. But try taking a tight mortise and tenon joint apart. Now that’s Isometrics! They’re stuck together almost like glue because you hammered them in, but work hard, make a good face, and squeeze squeeze squeeze trying to get the joint apart. It’s fun. [Be sure to stay out of the way when the joint does come loose. The Woodworkers Total Body Work-Out is not responsible for injuries due to smacking yourself in the face with a board.]

It’s the fourth day of our Total Body Work-Out and you’re getting ready for the hyper-ventilating work-out we call the Total Body: Total Glue-Up! It’s anaerobic like you’ve never gasped before. Grab your parts and your glue bottle and let’s get started! Spread out your glue on your work but remember? You forgot your clamps across the room and have to race for them! The glue is drying now and you forgot to cut your wedges and have to run to the saw to get those done. Oh, watch those fingers! The glue is almost set and you forgot your hammer upstairs and have to run halfway across the room for that before giving up and grabbing a small sledge hammer. Do you see how you get both an upper body blast and an aerobic blast!? Put that glue on and watch time race as you lose to the clock again and your parts stick in a new and crooked way. Bang on it with that dead blow mallet, 10! 20! 30! times and not ever see the parts move. Now we’re cooking with gas! You’ll be drenched in sweat in no time.

Our last Total Body Exercise is the Total Body Complete Work-Out: Rubbing out the Finish. This exercise is both a heat up and a cool down. You have that finish on and it’s a mess! What to do? Rub it out with four or five hundred sheets of sandpaper, that’s what! It’s fun and it takes hours! Keep rubbing until you scratch right through the finish and start all over again! Keep rubbing until you can’t feel your fingertips and your arms ache like crazy! Who knew this could be such fun? All that standing, all that pushing. This is exercise at its most fun and look at the work you create.

Folks, I know you’ll agree with me that the Total Body Work-Out is the best way you’ll ever find to get into shape. Ask any of our happy clients and you’ll learn just how fun it is to get fit while doing your woodworking. Send for our free brochure today and check out our website. Let’s get fit the Woodworking Way! Hooray.

Published in: on May 23, 2008 at 9:23 am  Comments (3)  

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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Who knew that “Rogowski” was only a nom de plume? The secret is out. He’s really Billy Mays!

  2. I couldn’t have said it better.

  3. My friend and I were laughing so hard!!!!

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